Exasperation
July 3rd 2007 08:40
I have a simple yet continuing dilemma and would appreciate any ideas/advice. It’s not a scenario aimed at anyone in particular (so anyone that knows me need not worry that I’m talking about them).
Now that I have my disclaimer out of the way I’ll explain what I’m talking about.
I’m exasperated.
The Macquarie definition of exasperation is: the state of being exasperated; irritation; extreme annoyance.
Yep, that’s me.
My situation is a common scenario that happens enough in varying circumstances for me to ponder what I could be doing better.
This is my specific example:
What do you do when you’re at a dinner party and the conversation doesn’t include you? You’re there, you have stuff to talk about but the conversation seems to omit you. The other people might ask you the occasional question, but they don’t wait to hear your answer or they turn to the person next to you, ask the same question and listen…and then they go ‘ah yes, I see what you mean?’
What to do?
I think these are some of my options:
Scream
Yell
Swear
Pout
Cry
Eat all their food
Smoke a joint in the toilet
Poke the person who didn’t listen to me
Go to the toilet and never come back
Leap onto the table and bellow
Crawl back into my own head and hide
Ignore other people when they talk by looking away
Begin a conversation with someone on another table
Leave
Have a loud conversation on my mobile
Get drunk
Burp
I tend to opt for being passive and crawl inside myself and yearn to be somewhere. A place where I don’t have to fight to be heard. And I can just be who I am. And I think I’m all right.
But that’s not assertive enough and leads to frustration. It also sounds like the victim answer and that’s not how I want to be. It’s just that the reaction kicks into the part of me that believes that maybe, just maybe my answer wasn’t that intelligent enough to be listened to…or that I’m not that important.
Just to further prove I’m not a victim (I really want to be more assertive), I know where it comes from, I understand it, I see it and I want to change, but the trick is putting that knowledge into action more often.
I actually did it one time recently and was heartened but I want avoid a relapse at those times when I am less prepared. I know it sounds like I’m going into war, but I’m really not a person who thinks on their feet (what a cliché that is). Rather, I get home and grow exasperated that I didn’t say something more proactive.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom you might have. Or even just words…..
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Comment by David
Assert yourself by being conspicuous by your absence at the next gathering of these 'people'.
Regardless of which option you choose among those type of people, it will be the 'wrong' one.
Here's the scenarios.
Scream Yell
"You're such a loudmouth."
Swear
"You're such a f-ing foulmouth."
Pout
"Your'e so precocious."
Cry
"You're a sook."
Eat all their food
"I hope you intend paying for that."
Smoke a joint in the toilet
"That stinks more than you."
Poke the person who didn’t listen to me
"My lawyers will be in touch (as they ring OOO).
Go to the toilet and never come back
"I bet she's stealing the toilet paper again."
Leap onto the table and bellow
"She's showing off. I wish I'd thought of that. I'm a better athlete than she is."
Crawl back into my own head and hide
"I'm never taking you anywhere again. You haven't got any social skills."
Ignore other people when they talk by looking away
"I'm talking to you. Do you know how important I am compared to you?"
Begin a conversation with someone on another table
"She's trying to bignote herself at our restaurant. It's pathetic."
Leave
"Did she pay?"
Have a loud conversation on my mobile
"You're so rude and inconsiderate and selfish to interrupt my mobile conversation. Mine is important. I have a life."
Get drunk
"I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn't have invited you. You're so ungrateful to abuse our hospitality like that."
Burp
"Could someone ring a taxi?"
David ...
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I sit at these sort of things and.... sit like a quivering jelly on the dessert cart. I answer the conversations in my head with just the right amount of intelligence, humour... you name it... when it comes for me to speak> gibbering idiot! Just because I am hardly ever given the chance to speak so when I do.... yeah... idiot!
If I could I would go for the joint in the bathroom option... at least then I would be happy - no one else would know... not that they noticed me in the first place
sorry im not much help here but I`m intrigued at the answers i would love to know myself.. great question!
ash
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Anonymous
Miss Nomer has found than an impromtu lap dance can draw the attention away from tiresome and exclusive conversations and really rev up the atmosphere...it's simply impossible to ignore if done with grace and poise..X
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
If you're the sort of person who is known for being quiet, then you will eventually be ignored. The only way through is to talk over them a few times, they will soon get the message that you want to talk and be included. Unfortunately, some people love the sound of their own voices (and are uncomfortable with silence) they can go on and on for hours and not even notice there are others who might want to say something.
I've been in this situation before. My answer was to not let myself be in that situation ever again, and cursed their damned stuck up backs, but i probably paid the price by wallowing in self pity and bitterness. wrong.
When i started learning to be assertive, i kind of swung too far the other way into aggressive at first, because i was pissed off at myself. That was 20 years ago, and i'm only just starting to calm down now lol
Well they are my 2.27 am thoughts Tracy, helpful or not, i can relate to where you are. Hugs gerl.
~Lily
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
do what I do...just talk to anyone in the general vacinity!
LOL
My problem is I can never shut up, sooo...I tend to just start up conversations with just about anyone...Usually it's something really funny or interesting, and the next thing I know, the whole table drops their conversation, and starts to join mine!
LOL
*Shrug*
But if ya want my advice, if it were me, I'd just insinuate myself into the conversation anyway just to piss everybody off...
Great post!
Take care,
Nick
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I'm not juding this okay? Just my 2 cents worth from my own experience pool.
You're above them, ahead of them, behind them, or not like them. Either way, David is right, I have to say it, but you're hanging with the wrong crowd. You belong somewhere else.
Let them go.
Over the years I have come to realise that : "No Company is better than Bad company..." and a joint in the toilet will just isolate you more.
How rude are they? ...how they lack comapssion and manners ... obviously, you do not! If you are brave enough to walk away, you will look back on them in years to come and realise how different you are.
Shame I wasn't there to talk to you...
Sorry it turned out crummy.
Lilla
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
That's why I've always tried to get acquainted with someone from the start, so that you at least place yourself in a social mood...
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I had a feeling and hoped that you would respond to this one. I remember us touching on this topic in open of your posts. I think you suggested I stand on the table and yell something...I still really like that idea.
Aha, I see what you mean by:
Regardless of which option you choose among those type of people, it will be the 'wrong' one.
So you think that no matter what I do, they will be their behaviours are likely to be the same? I've thought of that but then I hate getting home and feeling like I've let myself down. Maybe I should just shrug it off as rude behaviour and close the metaphorical door. Or I could take it as a challeange (said how Courtney Love says it in her song that I've forgotten the name of).
In an ideal world I world love to voice my opinion clearly, succinctly with an air of confidence, then they might listen even if I'm talking utter crap. My husband reckons that as long as you speak with confidence, people will believe you. Maybe I should do an experiment? If I do, maybe I will write a sequel to this post.
Would you believe that when I do have some space (in these situations) to talk, I get so shocked by the opportunity that my words fall out jumbled,I forget what I'm talking about and so it's basically an incoherent shamble of an answer.
Eeek, it's enough to turn me to drink. And I've tried that one, it does work quite well, but it's slightly concerning if I have to be trolleyed to get through these situations.
Thanks for your advice, David.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
That's definitely an interesting approach....you mean almost yelling? Yeppie, I like that......and sign language is always an excellent skill to have.
Thanks for your ideas,
Tracy
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I totally hear you on this one. I'm pretty talkative, but have found myself often in situations where those around me just happily ignore me (i'm the white elephant at the table apparently). I'm not quick on my feet, so I never know what to say.
If you're friends with others at the table, you could say something to them afterwards. I had 2 friends who ended up working in the same dept. Every time we got together all they did was talk about people at work....whom I neither knew, nor cared about. In the end, one night one of the girls asked if the 3 of us wanted to catch up. I just said that the other 2 could get together cos I couldn't take a whole night of hearing about their work.
Passive agressive? Yes. Did it work? Actually it kind of did. I don't suggest being passive agressive like me (I'm really bad at confrontation until I get so angry I just blurt stuff out), but just saying to the person who organised the get-together that you felt excluded from most of the night when they ask if you had a good time.
Another tactic is to make sure you take another friend along that you know you'll talk to. That way, you always have some to chat too.....and if the other people get too obnoxious you can amuse yourself by making fun of them with each other.
What can I say, I have a nasty streak.
All else fails, I'd say they're not really friends and don't put yourself in the situation. (it's possible that this is wiser advice than my earlier suggestions!).
Kylie
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Yes, it definitely happens in some social situations where people don't know each other well and that's understandable. But in these cases, people know each other well and it's a regular dynamic, so that's why it makes it more of an important issue to me.
Like you said:
and
and this is true too:
That's a big part of the reason why I want to change something, I think this is how I'm seen in these situations...
Good advice, Cib, thank-you.
Comment by Wendi
If I felt like what I had to say was really important and would benefit the whole of the conversation, I'd make sure I was heard. I'd do it the polite way the first three times, but after that? They'd better brace themselves for a rude awakening, Wendi-Style, 'cause I'll tell 'em just how it is! *LOL* - And then follow David's advice and just avoid getting together with that type of group again. If it isn't worth their time and energy to listen, then it isn't worth my time or energy to speak.
Just my opinions.
W
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Take a small notebook.
Look aound in a pensive manner, chew on your pen/pencil, focus on one person for about a minute then write something down in your notebook.
Move on to someone else.
Do the same thing.
Occasionally shake your head in a grave manner.
And then write some more.
If someone asks what you're doing, just say you're doing a behavioural study and trying to imagine these people with a personality...
If that doesn't work...and you have no choice (as in unfortunately you have to attend such an event).. and this happens again;
Place your hand on this person's arm and very sweetly say;...."Oh I'm sorry. Was my answer too hard for you to understand?"
If that doesn't work....well...don't be hard on yourself.
People like this are not assertive. They are insecure. And they really don't matter.
Speak how you write Tracy.
...sinnocently....
Comment by tlcorbin-raginravensview
What do you do when you’re at a dinner party and the conversation doesn’t include you?
You never want to be conspicuously absent: Be conspicuously present and engaging.
After being invited, ask your host(s) about those others expected to be in attendance and the purpose of the affair.
Be prepared to demonstrate your humor, charm and wit: Don't go unprepared. Brush up on the news or educate yourself about the issues of the day.
Dress for the occasion: Wear those clothes that showcase you, and make you feel comfortable, but won't destroy you if they get ruined during the outing.
And never, ever go alone: Bring a date, someone simpatico with your views and thinking.
And if all of that fails you:
Propose a toast at dinner and thank everyone for their flatulent effluence and offer to crown the culinary offerings with your bum print in the mashed potatoes. Humor goes a long way.
Raven
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
If I may expand your list
Scream/yell obscenities (yes the f word, the c word, every horrible word you can think of)
Pout and stomp and have a five year old temper tantrum
Cry and use their shirts to blow your nose
Eat all their food, loudly with your mouth open.
Smoke a joint in front of them while singing a Dr. Dre song
Poke the person who didn’t listen to you and if that doesn't work produce a knife and tell them you become "very upset" if you are ignored
Go to the toilet and come back nude.
Leap onto the table and begin pole dancing to your boombox playing "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
Literally start crawling around on all fours talking out loud to yourself
Ignore other people when they talk by looking away and telling them that they do not meet your IQ prerequisite for conversations
Begin a conversation with someone at another table. Tell the "new" table that your table is a bunch of swingers and were wondering if they were interested.
Leave in a Britney Spears. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton diva manner
Have a loud conversation on my mobile to a sex line and talk dirty to "your date"
Get drunk and tell the bartender to put it on the person to you right's bar tab.
Burp loudly and remark "Wow that was a good one...it had hair on it!"
Mis
I feel ya sister!
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thanks for your empathy, sorry you have experiences like this too, but hopefully there's a way of making it a bit better and easier. I've had so many helpful answers that I'm thinking of making a dinner document and retraining myself before such occasions.
Yes, I do think a visit to the bathroom for a spliff world definitely help, then who would care if all that comes out of my mouth is drivel. I wouldn't care nor remember the next day. I would be deliriously happy and not give a flying toenail about anyone else.
Thanks, Ash,
Byeee
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Yes, I think a lap dance would definitely earn me some attention and maybe money too?
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I think you're right about learning how to be assertive without swinging too far the other way and bordering on being forceful. I've done that...one time (this scenario with the same people is a regular occurrence, hence the reason why I want to change things), my husband was the last in about 4 people that did it so I kicked him with my Blundstone. It sounds worse than it was, I just skimmed his shoes causing no pain but it startled him. I was desperate. But that's not assertive or helpful. It also didn't make a helpful point because he didn't know what the hell I was trying to tell him with my feet and eyeballs. This shows me I have to be more obviously assertive as intermittent boot action and eyeball glaring doesn't work.
I definitely think it's a practice process, like you said - learning when and how to do things. Yeppie, I must speak up more and more often.
It's funny because I wouldn't describe myself as quiet but it's amazing how certain situations can squash the essence out of you (if you're not careful).
Thanks for your ideas, Lily.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I like your style!! And finding a quieter person to talk to is often something I try to do...if there is someone and they're not too far away.
Thanks for your ideas and the laugh,
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
It's great to see you. It sounds like you're a great story-teller if you can change the table conversation around. Must be why you write such vivid, captivating tales on your blogs, that makes sense.
I like the idea of infiltrating the conversation too....I can do that!!
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
It's good to see you, how is your back? Hope you're feeling a bit better.
I know what you mean:
Unfortunately this is a get-together that happens regularly so I have to find someway of dealing with it. All jokes aside, sometimes it's just plain painful. And confusing...
Thank-you for your thoughts and comments,
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
It's good to see you back again. Thanks for your comments and ideas.
That's great that you can be assertive in situations like this and like you said, especially to make a point. I have tried doing that but I got my point mixed up and sounded like a mad woman. Oh well, gotta practise these things huh?
I like your description of Wendi-style action....that's brilliant!!!! Now I'm trying to devise some Tracy-style action.....I keep being drawn to standing on the table and screaming....
Byeee
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I like the idea of freaking them out through silence and a note book. It's simple yet possible....
I love this bit:
He he!! That would certainly prove a point....
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I really like this motto:
I definitely do wear clothes that I feel comfortable in and do think about some topics I can talk about....not that I have a lack of things to say, it's just getting that point in.....
Thanks for your ideas, they're much appreciated....
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
You're more than welcome to expand the list. Come back and add more anytime...
I've added comments to your ideas, especially the ones I'm leaning towards but they are all brilliant...I oscillate between trying to be assertive and then just not wanting to bother at all:
Scream/yell obscenities - yep, like that one a lot....
Pout and stomp and have a temper tantrum - great idea, especially in Blunstone boots, that would certainly get some attention
Cry and use their shirts to blow your nose - he he!!
Eat all their food, loudly with your mouth open - he he!!
Smoke a joint in front of them while singing a Dr. Dre song - without offering them any...ooohhhh
Poke the person who didn’t listen to you and if that doesn't work produce a knife and tell them you become "very upset" if you are ignored - a definite possibility, there's bound to be some knives on the table.
Go to the toilet and come back nude - He he!! But that would affect the whole restaurant and not just them!!
Ignore other people when they talk by looking away and telling them that they do not meet your IQ prerequisite - I'm a big fan of the 'look away' idea.
Begin a conversation with someone at another table. Tell the "new" table that your table is a bunch of swingers and were wondering if they were interested - he he!!
Leave in a Britney Spears. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton diva manner - Would I have to go knickerless in a small skirt though?
Get drunk and tell the bartender to put it on the person to you right's bar tab - excellent...
Burp loudly and remark "Wow that was a good one...it had hair on it!" He he, never heard of such a comment!!
Thanks, Mis. That was hysterical, what can I say?! Thanks for the laughs and ideas.....
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
You are so welcome!
Leave in a Britney Spears. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton diva manner - Would I have to go knickerless in a small skirt though?
Priceless....LOL
Mis
Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
... and I take a couple of glasses of wine along for the ride (only because I don't smoke pot!).
That sounds so much like me that it's eerie.
Honestly ... if they can't be bothered listening to you then they're not worth talking to anyway. I've found that you can get a good laugh sometimes just from listening to what other people have to say ... especially if they've had a few drinks ... or something else!
Be happy Tracy!
A.
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
It's good to see you, thanks for your comments, sorry it's taken me so long to reply.
Yes, I do tend to have a few glasses of wine to help me along...just as long as I don't overdo it and end up glassy-eyed and slurring my voice...but who would hear my slurs, no-one listens anyway!! What a bitchy comment but it felt good to let it out and be cynical!!!
Yes, sometimes I'm happy to not be in the main throes of the conversation and just add to it occasionally and laugh etc but when I'm blatantly ignored that's a different thing isn't it? Not nice.
Byeeee
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Yes, I think thanks to Britney and Lindsay and any others in that vein we don't need any more non-knicker flashes at the moment. Plus the fact it is bitterly cold in Sydney and anyone in a mini-skirt is either mad, going to a fancy dress party or just plain sllly.
Byeee