I don’t know
February 4th 2007 11:43
I say the words but
But I don’t mean them.
I don’t want to say them
But I have to.
She scares me
So I say what she wants.
Feeling the dread travel from my stomach to my mouth
The words gush out.
They’re not true
Why am I still speaking?
My mouth is dry
I don't want to be here anymore
It’s a farce,
Only I can change this,
But how,
How do I do this?
I don’t know…
I don’t know…
But I don’t mean them.
I don’t want to say them
But I have to.
She scares me
So I say what she wants.
Feeling the dread travel from my stomach to my mouth
The words gush out.
They’re not true
Why am I still speaking?
My mouth is dry
I don't want to be here anymore
It’s a farce,
Only I can change this,
But how,
How do I do this?
I don’t know…
I don’t know…
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
I guess it's a dilemma. I've never been afraid in this way. I guess it was a lot to do with my father's upbringing.
If he directed we had to do it, no matter how much we preferred not to.
I could feel you tremble.
katyzzz
Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
Comment by BenP
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thank-you for your comment. I wasn't sure whether to post it or not, but I really appreciate the feedback.
I've been inspired to write more poetry lately after reading your beautiful and affecting poems and stories. And of course your pics
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thank-you for your comment. I know what you mean about a father being quite strict and just doing what you were told to do. Mine was in the army and so some things were rigid. It's ironic really as he's a funny, zany, loving person and my childhood was very happy but the army's ways infiltrated into his personality which makes sense as he was in it for 22 years.
This piece is about someone in my life at the moment where I feel invisible in the interaction and I yearn to be freer to end the pattern. I wrote it to try and process my feelings. I realised that it also applies to another significant person in my life who is no longer alive, but some things live on even if the person has gone.
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thank-you for your kind comment. I'm OK thanks, just battling with a stronger personality in my life and trying to question how I could be freer to be more honest in the interactions.
I actually felt inspired to write it after I read your Season Finale post. Your post was like a journey of processing something painful and touched me.
Thanks again,
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thanks for dropping in, it's nice to meet you.
This is something that I've grappled with for a long time with various people in my life and I'm trying to make some changes. It was also cathartic to eject it onto paper instead of keeping it trapped inside as I know it would grow even more.
Thanks again,
Tracy
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I loved your words and the fact that you are working through it this way, congratulations, it's quite inspirational...
My father is also a military man - strict, militant, dutiful, yet goofy and vibrant too.
The problem for the offspring of such military-types is often supressed speech patterns - as you say ... As crystal amplifies and transmitts things (like radio sets and TV's) I suggest you get a blue stone to hang around your throat Chakra - over the little hollow bit - to help you to express your feelings, clearly.
Lapis Lazuli is a very powerful stone for this work. (I would not suggest Turqouise as it weakens quickly. I've seen turqouise used for this purpose, literally blow apart to powder)... Lapis is harder and stronger and can withstand the [often-times] intensity of strong emotions making their way to words...
The other thing to do is focused breathing... Breathe through it, take your time ... I always find, that by consciously deciding to {and taking} a big breathe, in front of a scary person, the absolute BEST way of empowering myself and diminishing that persons "power" over me. *lol*
Stop, look at them, and then bravely take a slow, deliberate, huge big breathe... in for six counts, hold for 2 and then exhale for 4. If you still feel scared of them, then breathe it again... and again, until you feel a 'shift' in your feelings... Ha! liberating, especially if they just look at you and/or comment, "what are you doing?" *giggle*
Good Luck,
Lilla
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Just by writing this, you are becoming stronger.
My thoughts are with you.
Dusk
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
It just occured to me that it might seem as though the other person that I'm talking about is my dad. But the person where this fear primarily stems from was female and has died. But interestingly I am reacting to the person in the poem in the same way which is what I want to change.
My dad is very much alive, vibrant and funny! The strict army days are gone, phew!
Thanks everyone for your comments, I'll reply individually soon, work is calling!
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thank-you for your thoughts and inspiration. I had never thought about the connection between an army background and suppressing of emotions. I mostly think of it as a time where we moved a lot, lived in many different countries and the hard bits were that we didn't have any family close by and I had a new best friend every eighteen months. The positives being that it was exciting living in different countries, but the negative being that I never felt settled until we moved to Australia. I definitely did suppress my emotions and thoughts, there was a strong emphasis sticking to the rules and keeping up appearances.
Interestingly my older sister was very vocal and 'broke the rules' a lot, whereas I was the good, quiet daughter. But I haven't wanted to be that daughter for a while now, despite other people's protests!
I like the idea of having a crystal for strength, I have a few but none of the ones you mentioned. I might buy one when I trot up the road later. Thank-you.
Your advice about breathing deeply and slowly when in situations where I'm finding it difficult to talk is fantastic. It's something that I know about from meditation, but isn't always something that I think about in such encounters. I will do it next time and will let you know how it goes.
Thanks again
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
It's always great to see you. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. You're right, since I decided to process this instead of suppressing (as I do too often), I'm feeling more peaceful and stronger.
Best wishes,
Tracy
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Was your father a free spirit that needed reigning in sometimes?
Tracy
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Really powerful. There's nothing worse than the helplessness you feel when someone has that kind of power over you!
You're stronger just for having written the words I think
Kylie
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thanks for your comments and for dropping in. Yes, it feels better to process things rather than just stuff them down and feel awful. Not always easy though!!
Best wishes,
Tracy
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
I was very moved by your poem, and I really hope you find your voice.
~Lily
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thanks for your lovely comment and for dropping in.
Tracy
Comment by Wendi
Admiring your strength and the style through which you're healing. When reading your poem, I felt a bit like I was standing in front of a mirror... words I've said to myself (more or less) over the years. I think I'm more "scared " or "intimidated" by myself moreso than I am any other person.
I'm wondering if you've been able to identify this person's characteristics that influenced you so heavily. Of course, you don't have to answer me, or answer here, but privately, for yourself... identifying the "energy" you found dominating/intimidating/suffo cating may be a key element in preventing similar energy from influencing you in the future with others. It's just a thought.
I loved Lilla's words of wisdom as well.
W
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thanks for your comments and thoughts. I just did what you talked about, I wrote about the generic characteristics in a person that I find difficult, with the main person from the poem in mind. This is something that I've been meaning to do and your words gave me that compassionate encouragement. I also wrote counteracting responses that I could do/say so that I feel more empowered - as usually in this sort of situation I feel invisible.
There is definitely a pattern and I think identifying it will help and arm me when I'm in a situation where I lose myself (and this happens too often). I use my poetry as an expression of something in my life and I also want to look at how I can change things behind the poetry.
I'm thinking about your comment about looking at myself and being intimidated....I know I've been scared of myself and I'm not sure why yet....
I can tell that you are processing some of your own feelings and life in your poetry. It looks like you're over that hump of writers block and are definitely flowing...
The responses on this topic have been hugely helpful,compassionate and encouraging. I appreciate them all.
Tracy